Teenage Pandemonium
by Charlie42
Summary: It's her 6th year at Hogwarts and Lily Evans is having an existential crisis. She doesn't see the point of attempting to be a decent teenage girl anymore, and she certainly doesn't see the point of being a Prefect. Despite James Potter's best efforts to foil her absurd behaviour, Lily has succumbed to the clutches of chaos, and she intends to stay there.
1. The Hippogriff, the Bee and the Flower

**A/N: _Hello! This story is from the perspective of Lily Evans. This is what happens when one of Hogwarts's star pupils breaks free from the shackles of respectability, confusing the stuffing out of everyone around her and causing a general commotion. Silliness ensues._**

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**Teenage Pandemonium**

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Everyone thinks I've gone mental just because I plunged my prefect badge into a jar of Flobberworm mucus before leaving it on McGonagall's chair as a sign of resignation from prefectorial duties. I haven't gone mental, I just felt like making a bold statement. And Professor McGonagall waddling around with a mucus soaked derrière and my prefect badge wedged between her crinkly butt cheeks is a really bold statement.

The statement was so supremely bold that I started to regret my audacity when McGonagall used her transfiguration powers to morph into a dragon and remove the top layer of my skin with a jet of fire breath that exploded from her enormous dragon mouth. It was an intense experience. Or at least it would've been, if it had actually happened. James Potter interrupted before things could get escalate that far.

The clueless lout thought I'd be really grateful if he took the rap for the desecration of McGonagall's backside. He was wrong. The whole point of lubricating the sternest teacher's bottom zone was to express to the entire school that I officially forfeit all attempts at pretending to be a decent teenage girl. I don't see the point of trying at anything anymore. I've succumbed to the wicked clutches of chaos and I intend to stay here.

My decline into the grips of anarchy all started in Care of Magical Creatures class yesterday. Before lunch, I was innocent, and the world still shone with all the potential of its wonders for me. I was joyfully watching a bee, which was equally as joyful as it got frisky with a flirtatious daisy. The events unfolding on that delightfully warm spring day took a tragic turn when the Hippogriff we were studying decided to have a nice sit down so it could vigorously scratched its nether regions.

The Hippogriff's trivial urge to have a good scratch led to the demise of that joyful bee and dainty flower, as they were crushed underneath the Hippogriff's comparatively colossal weight. In it's last instance of life, the bee then stung that Hippogriff. Due to some natural weakness in the Hippogriff's immune system, the beast promptly keeled over and lapsed into a deep coma.

Nobody won in that situation. Not the bee, not the flower, and certainly not the Hippogriff, who was rolled into the Forbidden Forest by our frazzled teacher, for lack of a better course of action. It was all frightfully unjust. I bet that bee had little baby bees as well, who will now turn to a life of illicit honey use and unwarranted stinging attacks because they were deprived of a sturdy male bee influence.

That's the moment when it all clicked for me, when I realised the blaring truth. There is no point. There are no epic, predetermined destinies. There is no underlying purpose to being a conscious being. We're just here, and that's all there is too it. The scrap of metal formerly pinned to my uniform, emblazoned with a pompous 'P' doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make me better than anyone else. There is no point pandering to the illusion of a just and logical world, because at any moment your existence could be snuffed out by a Hippogriff with an itch on his underbelly.

So there you have it universe, I forfeit. Let the chaos ensue.


	2. The Flabberghasted Leech

**The Flabberghasted Leech**

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"Why are you acting mental?" James Potter asks me, a look of utmost confusion etched on his face. He's been watching me spend the whole of Potions arranging my supply of flabberghasted leeches to spell out **Lily** on the desk in front of me.

"Define mental," I answer conversationally. I take a handful of frog brains and use it to create an exclamation mark.

"Lathering McGonagall's backside in flobberworm mucus, for one," he says slowly.

"Define _lathering_," I retort, getting into the spirit of dissecting James's vocabulary. His mouth flaps open. He's stumped. He looks exactly like one of those yawning clowns at a carnival in which you have to throw a ball to win a prize. Using this as inspiration, I peg a sopophorous bean at his gaping mouth but it misses, bouncing off his round spectacles.

Sod it. No prize for me. James eyes me suspiciously before quietly retreating into some lurking shadows. And he thinks _I'm_ acting weird. I can see Professor Slughorn coming so I wipe the residue of frog brains from my hands onto James's textbook. I abandon my empty cauldron and slide behind James's. I begin stirring his perfectly brewed potion.

"Lily," my particularly hefty Potions teacher greets me.

"Professor Slughorn," I say sweetly. He nods approvingly at my potion. Well, technically its James's potion but if he's going to abandon it while he frolics in shadows at the back of the classroom then that's his damage. Slughorn's unnecessarily large moustache twitches when he spies my empty cauldron.

"Whose work is this?"

"That must be James Potter's, Sir. I don't know where he's gone," I say, my green eyes wide with innocence. Slughorn mimics James's perplexed expression when he sees my name written on the desk in flabberghasted leeches.

"I think he's got a bit of a thing for me," I confide. Professor Slughorn winks conspiringly and waddles off to the other side of the classroom. Sirius Black spins around and narrows his eyes at me. I narrow mine at him, just to see how it feels. It feels like too much effort, so I go back to the normal eyes open mode.

"Why are you acting mental?" Sirius says finally. My head lolls back in a gesture of supreme boredom. If one more person asks me that question today or looks at me with a confused expression I'm changing schools. Maybe Durmstrang. Although their excessively bushy brows seem to be permanently locked in a state of confusion.

I guess it'll have to be Beauxbatons. They do a lot of prancing though. And they probably eat butterflies for breakfast. And they somehow manage to giggle in French. It's completely disturbing. Sirius Black is still squinting at me so I pretend to fall asleep standing up. I pop an eye open after awhile and he's still frozen in befuddlement. Time to change tactics.

"It's because I don't know how to act when I'm around you, Sirius." I try to twirl my hair flirtatiously but I've still got a bit of frog brains on my hands. It tangles in my dark red hair like some sort of magical shampoo, but probably only one an image conscious troll would use.

"You drive me crazy," I mouth for extra effect. I think I've got some octopus powder in my eyes and it makes my eyes twitch uncontrollably. Sirius interprets this as a kind of demented seductive wink on overdrive. He turns back to his desk looking mortified. Like just walked in on a Dementor going at it with a Blast-Ended Skrewt mortified. James Potter emerges from the shadows and sees me stirring his potion.

"Oh, thanks Lily."

"No worries, Wilfred," I say cheerily returning to my flabberghasted leech soaked desk. James narrows his eyes at me. I wonder if him and Sirius ever have whole conversations where they just squint at each other until they fall asleep.

"So, are you going to thank me for taking the rap for the whole Flobberworm/prefect badge fiasco and therefore enduring a detention for you?" James asks gingerly.

"Nope," I answer as I steal some dragon dung from Remus Lupin's potion supplies.

"But you love being a prefect. I don't understand why you'd try to sabotage that," James says as he scoops his smooth potion into one of his glass vials.

"I don't understand how it's physically possible for a human to mate with a giant but you don't see me harping on about it," I say while using James's textbook to shovel the dragon dung into an empty potions bottle.

James falls silent as he contemplates the whole giant/human procreating dilemma. No matter how you look at it, the proportions just don't fit. Merlin knows I've tried to figure it out. The bell signalling the end of class chimes obnoxiously through the classroom. I nudge James's quill off the table. While he's bending over to pick it up I switch my bottle of dragon dung for his delightfully shiny potion.

When he straightens he's so busy staring at me grumpily that he doesn't even register the switch. He picks up the dragon dung bottle and I follow him with great excitement to the front of the class. James places the bottle in front of Professor Slughorn. Professor Slughorn twirls the bottle between his pudgy fingers and regards it with great distaste.

"Mr. Potter I'm disappointed in you. Not to mention the vandalizing," Slughorn gestures towards my soggy desk. I place my bottle on the desk next to James's. James's mouth flaps open. He looks as flabberghasted as the leeches covering my desk. I take the opportunity to lob a phospohorous bean I've been saving into his carnival clown mouth and this time it meets its target. Bullseye. Wonder what my prize is.

"You'll have to stay back and clean that mess up, Potter. And it'll have to be a detention for not attempting the potion," Slughorn utters regrettably.

And there's my prize. That'll get rid of the interfering berk for a few hours. I twist around and dart out of class before James has a chance to protest. Even if he does object, Slughorn will never believe him. My reputation is squeaky clean, just like the crystal balls from Divinations class after James and Sirius have been made to polish them for hours in detention.

I run down the hallway, leaping over a first year who is stooping in the middle of the corridor to pick up a dropped Chocolate Frog Card. Now that I've gotten rid of the obstacle of James Potter (not to mention physically hurdling over the obstacle of that ill positioned first year) its time for me to find a way to get irreversibly dismissed from being a prefect once and for all.


	3. Frog Brains and Fwoopers

**A/N: **_Hello! Thank you for the reviews! So lovely. I'm sure this is super obvious but I just wanted to remind everyone about the exam grading system at Hogwarts. Possible marks are T for Troll, D for Dreadful, P for Poor, A for Acceptable, E for Exceeds for Expectations and O for Outstanding. These marks are used as a running joke in this chapter. Anyway let me know what you think about the chapter. Or Fwoopers. Or greasy sausage wands._

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**Frog Brains and Fwoopers**

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"It's got to be an engorgement charm," I say, staring into my bowl of pumpkin soup.

"What are you mumbling about?" Mary McDonald asks as she butters a bread roll opposite me.

"Giants. Humans. Making love. It just doesn't make sense. Vastly different sizes," I mutter.

"What is she mumbling about?" Alice Fortescue asks Mary as she slides onto the bench beside me.

"Giants and humans…fraternizing," Mary says, her blue eyes twinkling with scandalized amusement. At least I think it's amusement. It could be her allergies acting up.

"We're back on that topic again? You know, you've become a lot cruder lately, Lily." Alice looks me up and down before nodding curtly. "I like it."

I pat her on the back, grateful that she approves of my recent indecent behaviour. My plan after Potions had been to plot my dramatic dismissal from my prefect position but then something far more important needed my attention. Lunch. And even now that I'm engaging in lunch I can still only think about one thing. Humans. Giants. Breeding. Just shouldn't be possible.

"I think your hair is turning green," Mary informs me helpfully, leaning her thin face on her hand. Alice leans forward and smells the ends of my hair.

"Frog brains," she tells Mary, before tucking into a bowl of raspberry jelly.

A couple of first years are eyeballing the assortment of desserts that have just appeared around Alice, which is admittedly odd because its only lunchtime. Alice doesn't hold much stock with traditions, and she certainly doesn't uphold the tradition of breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert.

She prefers to eat her meals in the order of dinner, dessert, breakfast, and then finally lunch, always finishing her day with a roast beef and pickle sandwich. It used to trouble my prefect sensibilities to no end that she bribed one of the house-elves to cater to her dietary whim. Now that I've realized that nothing really matters, I think it's quite marvellous.

"Is that supposed to be good for your hair?" Alice asks, pointing her spoon of jelly at my ponytail. She looks terribly confused. I fondle my frog brain covered hair lovingly.

"Oh yes. Apparently frog brains have super conditioning properties. Its all the rage in Paris at the moment," I say inventively as I notice some impressionable first years listening in on our conversation. "Those saucy Beauxbaton girls are mad for it."

"They do have bloody shiny hair," Alice says conversationally. Alice isn't generally that gullible; she just doesn't care about or have that much knowledge of beautifying procedures. I'm sure she wouldn't put it past those image conscious, butterfly eating Beauxbaton twits to dip their heads in a vat of frog brains every morning if they thought it would somehow make them more attractive.

"Lily, why is Sirius shooting daggers at you?" Mary asks me, twirling one of her mousy brown curls absent-mindedly. She's not even aware that her elbow is leaning squarely in a softening block of butter. I glance up to see Sirius glaring at me from the other end of the Gryffindor table.

"Mary, darling. They're not daggers. They're cannon balls."

"Heavy," Mary says sympathetically. "Why is Sirius shooting metaphorical cannon balls at you?"

"It could be because I wigged him out by flirting with him in Potions," I shrug disinterestedly.

"Hold on a moment. Are you saying that Sirius give you butterflies in your stomach?" Alice exclaims through a mouthful of apple crumble.

"No. Sirius gives me _Fwoopers_ in my stomach," I say while trying to spear some of Alice's honeycomb ice cream with my fork.

"Fwooper what now?" Alice says, trying to swat my fork away with her spoon.

"Magical African bird," Mary says promptly, "Listening to their song for too long sends you insane."

Mary loves magical creatures. She also loves useless facts. Combine these two passions and you've got a witch who is a tireless source of mildly intriguing but completely irrelevant animal tidbits.

"I see," Alice says slowly, tucking her bobbed dark brown hair behind her ears. "So Sirius gives you Fwoopers in the stomach and their song has driven you insane. Hence, why you tried to puncture McGonagall's tush with your prefect badge."

"Wrong. You're so wrong," I tell her. "If I was a teacher I'd give you **T** for Troll on every exam for the rest of your life, just based on the fact that at this moment you are so wrong."

"Alright McGonagall," Alice teases. "Calm down and explain yourself."

"Sirius gives me Fwoopers in my stomach," I say slowly, as if this concept is terrifically obvious. "While their song does mildly irritate me it fails to drive me insane because the sound is muffled by my vital organs."

To my right the group of first years are looking at me strangely, like they think its odd that we're having a conversation about metaphorical Fwoopers residing in my stomach. I think its odd that they let toddlers attend Hogwarts but, hey. What are you going to do?

"So if it's not the Fwoopers in your stomach making you insane why have you been behaving so…" Mary waves her fork around in a series of circles.

"Flawlessly?" I help her out.

"I was more going for something along the lines of bonkers. Padded cell at St Mungo's kind of bonkers," Mary smiles. I'm distracted when James Potter arrives to lunch late, taking a seat next to Sirius. His black hair looks even more ruffled than usual and his robes are splattered in frog brains.

"Bingo!" I exclaim. "That's why Sirius is shooting cannonballs at me. I got James a detention."

"Another one?" Alice asks midway through a bowl of Peach Melba. I nod happily. Alice looks impressed.

"Lily, you mischievous little leprechaun. **E** for Exceeds Expectations," Alice says.

Up the other end of the Gryffindor table, James is letting everyone know he's miffed about the frog brains dripping down his robes. Princess Potter should relax. The frog brains in my hair has hardened to the side of my head, you don't see me sending howlers to the universe about it. James squints at me and I can tell he's struggling with the urge to be annoyed, but seeing as he's never felt this emotion towards me before he's not quite sure how to handle it.

Sirius is squinting at me too. I can tell he's peeved that thanks to me he's going to be separated from his bosom buddy for a whole hour, possibly two while James has detention. Maybe I'll just get Sirius a detention too, even out the playing field so to speak. It's the least I can do for the squinty-eyed little fellow. Mary catches me staring at James squinting back at me.

"Does James give you butterflies in your stomach?" She asks me in a low voice.

"No, Mary. He gives me flabberghasted leeches in my stomach." Mary snorts. She checks her wristwatch and then lets out a disappointed groan.

"We better head to the library," she sighs.

"Why?" I ask indignantly.

"We've got to study for the Transfiguration test."

"**P** for Poor, both of you," I grade my friends as Alice starts gathering her things as well.

"Lily, we have to study a little bit. Its 6th year," Alice says. "Plus, Mary sucks at Transfiguration."

"Its true," Mary nods cheerily in agreement.

"Ladies. Women. _Witches_. You do realize that none of this matters, don't you?" I do a sweeping gesture that encompasses the whole of the Great Hall and end up poking a first year in the eye. He looks like he wants to be upset about it but I placate the little midget by patting him on his tiny first year head. First years. Honestly. They're practically still foetuses.

"Come again?" Alice says, lifting an inquisitive eyebrow.

"There's no point worrying about the consequences of things because they don't matter. Grades, exams, prefects, authority, romances, being well behaved. None of it matters. Our existence could be snuffed out like that," I say, clicking in the face of the first year, "and I for one don't want to spend my life worrying about pleasing other people when we should be having fun and doing whatever the Pygmy Puff we want." I look down the length of the table. It seems like half of Gryffindor is listening to my inspiring speech.

"Does this have something to do with what you were going on about in Care of Magical Creatures yesterday?" Alice asks, wiping some stray apple crumble from her chin.

"The Hippogriff, the flower and the bee," I nod.

"The Hippogriff did die," Mary informs us jovially. "I went back to check."

"See," I say exasperated, as if this proves my point about everything. "All three of them, dead in one haphazard moment. That could be _us." _I point to my two friends but then swing my finger around to the group of first years. They collectively gulp in fear.

"Lily, are you having an existential crisis?" Alice asks in a trivial tone, as if she's merely enquiring if I'm having a bad hair day (clearly I'm having a fantastic hair day).

"Absolutely," I answer. "You guys should have one too," I suggest. Mary and Alice share a brief glance before shrugging their shoulders. Alice has never been that fussed about getting into trouble anyway and you can convince Mary to do just about anything. To be honest, I was always the moral compass of the group. But now that I've steered off course I've got a feeling all three of us are heading for an all mighty collision. It's going to be spectacular.

"Sure, why not. What do we have to do?" Alice asks.

"Forget about the Transfiguration test for one," I instruct them.

"Forgotten," Alice says.

"Obliviated," Mary agrees.

"Second, you can help me out with a little spot of mayhem. I need you to walk on the opposite side of the table and cause enough of a kafuffle to distract James and Sirius."

"Want me to pull a dizzy?" Mary asks.

"Perfect, you know what to do," I wink. Mary once spent a whole term last year practicing fake fainting. She didn't even care that much about getting out of class, she just wanted to perfect her acting technique. She got quite good at it too, but she stopped practicing when she misjudged her fall one time, hit her head on a step and actually did succeed in knocking herself out cold for twenty minutes.

All three of us get up from the table. Alice walks around to Mary's side of the table while I pull a Potter and move into some shadows lining the Great Hall. I move stealthily along until I'm right behind James and Sirius. Mary and Alice start walking along, chatting idly. Once they're opposite the boys, Mary's knees start to wobble dramatically, then she collapses backwards into Alice's waiting arms. Getting in the spirit of theatre, Alice falls to the ground under Mary's weight.

"Mary's had another one of her fainting spells," I hear Sirius say to James with a dash of concern. Everyone in the Great Hall is leaning out of their seats, trying to see what's happened.

"A little help, boys," Alice calls to James and Sirius, who are the closest people capable of helping, seeing as everyone else seated nearby seems to be a panicked infantile first year. They get up from their seats and rush around to the other side of the table. I dart forward and grab Sirius's wand that he's left actually sitting in his plate of German sausages.

"Pluvias," I whisper, pointing Sirius's sausage grease covered wand at the ceiling. The puffy clouds streaming across the enchanted ceiling darken before bursting with a downpour of rain. I casually return Sirius's wand as chaos erupts all around me. Shouts of annoyance and squeals of pleasure battle it out amidst the roar of water.

Most of Ravenclaw dive under their table for cover, while a bunch of Hufflepuffs are prancing around in circles, kicking up the puddles that are forming all over the Great Hall. The Slytherin table look furious, like they want to start a duel with the raindrops, bless them.

Remus Lupin is surprisingly calm as students throw back their chairs around him and scramble for cover. He lets the rain fill up his goblet and then takes a long sip from it. He only looks slightly put out when the rain causes the Daily Prophet he's reading to dissolve into a soggy mess of streaky black ink. The pounding water softens the frog brains in my hair, washing it out. I fill a bit disappointed by that. I was getting quite used to it.

The teachers are taking a while to respond to the thudding rain because they're concerned about Mary, crowding around her in a circle. McGonagall had been about to perform a healing charm on her but after a warning pinch from Alice, Mary pops her eyes open and shoots up off the floor.

"Feeling much better, thanks," Mary yells back at them as her and Alice run over to me.

"Atmospheric charm, well done Lily. **O** for Outstanding," Mary says in awe. Alice laughs as Peter Pettigrew slips in a puddle while attempting to escape the bedlam.

"Meteolojinx Recanto," Mcgonagall yells, swishing her wand sharply skyward.

McGonagall looks livid. She also looks very wet but mostly she looks livid. The enchanted rain peters to a drizzle and then stops completely. Next, McGonagall performs an advanced spell that reveals the perpetrator of the charm. Sirius's wand omits a red aura while floating over to rest above his head.

"What." He says in a flat dangerous tone, water dripping off his furious features.

"Black. Detention," McGonagall roars. Sirius swivels around to inspect the Slytherin table for any obvious enemies. He does a full circle and spots me standing near the entrance to the Great Hall with Alice and Mary. He narrows is eyes suspiciously. I give him a vigorous, friendly wave. I point to his wand, then to the ceiling and then back to myself just so he gets the picture. He looks mortified, like when I pretend to flirt with him in Potions class kind of mortified.

There. Now him and James can have an intimate detention together where they can blush in each other's presence and suck on each other's faces. I bet Sirius looks so furious right now because he's annoyed that he can't think of a nice enough way to thank me. The things I do for these wizards.

**O** for Outstanding indeed.


	4. Taking Butterbeer from Badgers

**A/N: _Thanks for the review guys! _**

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**Taking Butterbeer from Badgers**

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"Extra points if you hit a first year, Mary."

Mary, Alice and myself are sitting on a moving staircase, our legs dangling through the balustrade. We've spent the whole afternoon swinging over the Entrance Hall below with a stack of flour bombs I confiscated off a third year Gryffindor. So far, Mary hasn't hit one single student. Her aim is as shocking as her Transfiguration skills.

The best bit is that no one's even attempted to stop us. The caretaker Pringle is still busy cleaning up the mess in the Great Hall and even he was free to pursue us, the fact that the staircase keeps moving makes us a difficult target.

"Do you guys want to commandeer the prefects bathroom tonight?" I ask the two witches as Mary's flour bomb bursts off the head of a suit of armour, spraying flour all over the main foyer. It coats the room like a downpour of powdered snow. Even though he doesn't technically have a face, I can tell by the way he looks up at us and shakes his fist that the suit of armour is disgruntled. Excellent.

"But Lily, you have prefect duties with Remus tonight," Mary says dreamily, squeezing her face between the bannisters. Mary has quite a vigorous crush on Remus. Not only does he give her butterflies in her stomach, he gives her unicorns in her stomach. Romantic, stampeding, horny unicorns, if you catch my drift.

That being said, Mary develops crushes quite easily. Once she had a crush on the Giant Squid just because he accidentally brushed her with a tentacle when she was sitting by the Black Lake. She went on and on for a whole week about how mysterious and misunderstood he was.

Then she got over the Giant Squid when she developed a crush on the Lachlan the Lanky statue instead. She made us take the longest route to DADA for months just so she could walk pass his statue and check out his literally chiselled features.

"Fudge prefect duties. I don't want to be a prefect anymore," I tell them while lobbing a flour grenade at Bertha Jorkins as she waddles down below.

"Oh brainwave!" Alice exclaims. "Word on the corridor is, Amos Diggory has got butterflies in his stomach for Dorcas Meadowes."

"Bit off topic Alice, but that's nice," I say.

Alice shakes her head. "Wait, listen. So apparently prior to our little weather malfunction in the Great Hall, the Hufflepuff table was abuzz with Amos's plans tonight to impress Dorcas."

"Go on," I say, gaining the tiniest morsel of interest. The Hufflepuff table did seem particularly stimulated at lunchtime. I just assumed they'd overdosed on jellybeans again. Hufflepuffs are simple creatures with simple (some might say stupid) pleasures.

"He's going to try and impress Dorcas by having an after curfew party in one of classrooms on the fourth floor," Alice pauses for dramatic effect, "fully stocked with Butterbeer."

"Are you saying we should crash Amos's shindig?" Mary asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Alice's face contorts with disgust. "Urgh, no. And hang out with Hufflepuffs all night? I'd rather hang out with Fwoopers. What I'm saying is Lily, you should go on prefect duty and use your all mighty prefect powers to confiscate Amos's Butterbeer supply."

My eyes widen with delight as I catch on to Alice's devious plan. "So we can have our own party…Alice you genius. You should get an order of Merlin, First Class for that brain of yours."

A mischievous grin pulls her lips across her round face. "It'll be like taking sweets from a baby."

"More like taking Butterbeer from badgers," I say, elbowing her playfully in the ribs. Below us, Apollyon Pringle skulks into the main foyer. Even from up here I can see him trembling with rage when he spies the bed of flour residue. Not wanting to have tonight's festivities ruined by a detention we decide to move on from our flour bombing station.

As we walk along the corridor, I see a first year ahead of us stuffing a Chocolate Frog into his tiny mouth. I dig into my pocket, and pull out my disregarded prefect badge (which is now coated in fluff and hardened flobberworm mucus) and reattach it to my robe.

"Oi, I'm confiscating this," I tell the first year as I pinch his second untouched Chocolate Frog from his fingers. His chocolate smeared mouth widens in surprise.

"But Chocolate Frogs aren't against the rules," he stammers.

"There's been a change of rules," I warn him in a dangerous tone. Really, talking back to a prefect. The audacity of these little midgets. "I'm confiscating this as well," I say as an afterthought, pulling a particularly nifty looking quill out of his leather satchel. I hand the Chocolate Frog to Alice and the quill to Mary. Both witches look delighted with their spontaneous gifts.

"I'm going to go send a letter and have a shower. What are you guys going to do?" I ask my friends.

"Study for the-" Mary starts to say but she stops herself when I start slowly shaking my head.

"Use up the rest of these?" She corrects herself, holding up a small pile of left over flour bombs. I nod approvingly.

"Lily, what are you going to do about Remus?" Alice asks. Despite his position of authority I know Remus isn't opposed to a bit of healthy rule breaking every now and again. Still, he has this niggling thing called a conscience, which might make him disapprove of my plan to abuse my prefect power in order to rob Diggory blind. I used to have a conscience too, but it got too hard to uphold so I ditched it.

"Don't worry," I say with a sly grin. "I know exactly what I'm going to do about Remus."

Hours later I find Remus waiting at the Boris the Bewildered statue. He looks slightly miffed. His brown hair is still ruffled from the downpour in the Great Hall earlier.

"Lily," he says warily as I approach him.

"Remus," I say, copying his grave tone. 'How are we today?"

"Confused," he says.

"Seems to be a contagious emotion lately," I say airily.

"Yes, well I'm trying to pinpoint the source of it," he says observing me with a shrewd expression as I deject a wad of Drooble's Best Blowing gum from my mouth and stick it on Boris the Bewildered's butt cheek.

"Students seem to be acting rather odd," he continues with a pondering lilt as we begin doing our rounds. "I just saw a large group of Gryffindor first years in the common room putting frog brains in their hair."

"You know what first years are like. Completely mental," I say while flicking my hand dismissively.

"And earlier I had to deal with a first year Hufflepuff caked in flour. He said Mary McDonald threw a flour bomb at him from the 6th floor."

"Brilliant! So she finally managed to hit one. That girl has terrible aim," I inform Remus.

"Hmm, well it seems a little out of character for Mary."

"You don't know Mary like I do. Everyone thinks she's innocent just because she's good-natured but she's actually got a wicked sense of humour."

"That may be but its still rather funny that Sirius pulled off such a successful atmospheric charm," he says, his eyebrows rising into his hairline. I plaster on a fake smile. It's not really my idea of hilarious but whatever floats his boat.

"Sirius is a very talented wizard," I say graciously.

"Hmm, but I seem to remember only one student from our year being particularly successful with atmospheric charms in class last week."

"You don't say. Who? Was it you, Remus? Or was it Peter? It was Peter wasn't it. That saucy little minx."

Remus struggles to keep up with me as I leap from one moving staircase to another. Sometimes Remus gets in this mood where he subtly tries to reprimand you about something. He does it so slyly that you don't even see it coming until you're right in the thick of it. The only thing you can do in these circumstances is try to outrun the wily wizard.

"It was clearly you, Lily," Remus says tetchily as he sprints to catch up with me. "The jig is up."

"Well done Sherlock. You got me. What are you going to do, dob me in?"

"Of course not. But I would like to know why you're acting like this."

"I don't know," I shrug my shoulders. "I just stopped caring," I say truthfully. I'm tempted to keep messing with Remus in much the same way that I've been messing with James and Sirius but it just doesn't feel right. He's far too observant. Maybe James and Sirius would be more observant too if they stopped squinting and actually opened their eyes once in a while.

"I understand that feeling," he says empathetically. "But how long are you going to keep this up for?" Remus's voice is strained by something that sounds suspiciously like fear.

"Remus Lupin, are you scared?"

"Its just that you can be very persuasive Lily," he says delicately. I know where he's coming from. Hogwarts once had a debating club. One of the questions was, 'should Hogwarts have a debating club?' and I was assigned to debate in the negative. I was so successful at arguing my point that that was the end of the debating club.

"Without even meaning too you can influence people to act more like yourself, by leading by example. It's all well and good when you're influencing people to be better. But I shudder to think what's going to happen when you influence the whole school to be wayward. "

"Chaos," I whisper, licking my lips greedily. I had no conscious intention of influencing the whole school to abandon their moral code. But now Remus has suggested it, the idea is rather tantalizing.

"It's starting to happen already. The tiniest shift in Hogwarts eco system and ripples of consequence are already starting to occur. I'd hazard a guess that the Gryffindors with frog brains in their hair and Mary and Alice flour bombing first years has something to do with your sway." While Remus is making observations on the Hogwarts eco system and gently trying to lecture me, I guide our path towards the fourth floor.

"Not to mention James is beside himself," Remus ploughs on. "He thinks you're under the influence of an Imperius Curse. And you've really triggered Sirius's volatile temper."

"But Remus," I say sweetly, interrupting his boring insights into how those two gooses are feeling. I can't believe he actually thinks I'd be concerned just because the squinty brothers are throwing a tantrum. "Don't you think with everything going on with this you-know-who fellow rising to power and the threat of a wizard war on the horizon that we should spend what precious time we do have having as much fun as possible?"

"Well-"

"Don't you think doing homework and being a prefect etc. is all a bit pointless when we could all be dead tomorrow?"

"That's a bit dramatic but-"

"Why should we be the ones to stop everyone else's fun? We're teenagers, Remus. Who knows how much time we have left to be silly and enjoy ourselves. We have to seize the day, before there are no more days to seize," I say stirringly, and I see a dash of rebellion flashing across his cinnamon coloured eyes.

I hear the faint beat of music and muffled laughter coming from a classroom behind Remus. I stride forward and throw the door open, causing all the Hufflepuffs inside to leap into the air in shock.

"Well, well, well. What's going on here?" All the little badgers are cowering in fear. One Hufflepuff has frozen in an uncomfortable pose while playing limbo under a broomstick. Amos is wearing a lampshade on his head at a jaunty angle, which is particularly odd since Hogwarts doesn't have any lamps. Dorcas is leaning on a desk with her arms crossed and looking quite happy to see me. Poor petal is probably overjoyed to be rescued from the Hufflepuff's weak attempts at a party.

"We'll be going, Lily," Amos says. "Awfully sorry, won't happen again," he says quickly as his arms rap protectively around the crate of Butterbeer and he makes to leave.

"Not so fast," I say. "Drop the Butterbeers Diggory, and no one gets hurt." I meant to say disciplined but this sounds far more threatening. Diggory obediently places the butterbeer on the floor.

"I can't believe you would disrespect your school like this. Shame on you. All of you," I say piously. The Hufflepuffs look mortified.

"Now scram," I order, and the little badgers sprint for the door, peaked terror in their eyes. Remus comes in after them, brushing his light brown hair out of his face.

"I thought you were all for rule breaking now," he says looking perplexed at my sudden urge to assert authority. I crack open a frostye butterbeer and hold it out to him. His eyes light with understanding. His fingers move to his prefect badge and fondle the smooth surface. I can feel his tempered hesitancy.

"So Remus Lupin. Are you in or are you out?"


End file.
